Whom Not to Marry

Here are excerpts of a pep talk Father Pat Connor , an octogenarian Catholic priest born in Australia and based in New Jersey gives his congregation of nubile “eligibles” and “ singles” on the threshold of a coupling. I do not normally see eye to eye with missionaries be they Christian or otherwise, so I was taken aback when he hit bull’s eye with his astute observations on Good Husband Bad Husband. By not denying him column inches -if it can be called that, on this blog I am making an exception for the Reverend Father.
His is mostly “common sense” advice on how to dodge prospective mates who would maul your happiness.
“Hollywood says you can be deeply in love with someone and then your marriage will work,” the twinkly eyed, white-haired priest says. “But you can be deeply in love with someone to whom you cannot be successfully married.” My reading of it is loving someone and living-in with them as opposed to getting and more importantly, staying married to them may not be such a bad deal. Furthermore, what may seem like good live in material may not necessarily be good marriage material, and vice-versa.Go figure that one out! :)
“Never marry a man who has no friends,” he starts. “This usually means that he will be incapable of the intimacy that marriage demands. It’s amazing the number of men who have no friends. Since, as the Hebrew Scriptures say, ‘Iron shapes iron and friend shapes friend,’ what are his friends like? What do your friends and family members think of him? Sometimes, your friends can’t render an impartial judgment because they are envious that you are beating them in the race to the altar. Envy beclouds judgment.
“Does he use money responsibly? Is he stingy? Most marriages that founder do so because of money — she’s thrifty, he’s on his 10th credit card.
“Steer clear of someone whose life you can run, who never makes demands counter to yours. It’s good to have a doormat in the home only if it’s not your husband.
“Is he overly attached to his mother and her mythical apron strings? Reading between the strings : is he overly attached to the family purse strings too?
When he wants to make a decision, say, about where you should go on your honeymoon, he doesn’t consult you, he consults his mother. (there are instances you’d be surprised to hear where the mother accompanies the couple on their honeymoon!)
“Does he have a GSOH? That covers a multitude of sins. Father Connor’s mother was once asked how she managed to live harmoniously with three men — his father,his brother and him. Pat came the reply: ‘You simply operate on the assumption that no man matures after the age of 11.’ Instead of feeling humiliated his father fell over laughing.
“A therapist friend insists that ‘more marriages are killed by silence than by violence.’ The strong, silent type can be charming but ultimately destructive. That world-class misogynist, Paul of Tarsus, got it right when he said, ‘In all your dealings with one another, speak the truth to one another in love that you may grow up.’
“Don’t marry a problem character thinking you will change him. He’s a heavy drinker, or a poker addict, but if he marries a good woman, he’ll settle down. People are people : they are always the same after marriage as before, only more so.
“Take a good, unsentimental look at his family — you’ll learn a lot about him and his attitude towards women, immigrants and gays. An atmosphere of racism, sexism or prejudice in his home? Are his goals, value system and deepest beliefs worthy and similar to yours?
“Finally: Does he possess those character traits that add up to a good human being — the willingness to forgive, praise, be courteous and to actively listen? Or is he inclined to be a fibber, give in to fits of rage, to be a control freak, to be envious of you, and to be secretive? ( Parenthetically, don’t get involved with the office supervisor or that shagtastic but mean co-worker if you can help it).
“After the Rev. Father has finished with this talk, a despairing cry goes up: ‘But you’ve eliminated almost everyone!’ Life is unfair.”
Mind it, shouldn’t this apply equally to women as it does to men ? After all, what’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. Do you think he is giving the cold shoulder to gays and sexually differently aroused individuals? Au contraire, my word - why he has just described some characteristic gay traits here! Perhaps it is a Church euphemism to assert to hets everywhere: Lay off Gays! Gays are meant for other Gays, not for straights to start having designs on them.