Saving Me from Myself

When you meet me for the first time I don’t come across as a recluse at once, but how appearances can fool. For the most part of 30 years of my life I have lived a life of denial – a denial of life as it ought to be for me. Having a low sense of self regard I let people walk all over me so much that it has long since stopped hurting. He ain’t a bad bloke is what you will hear most people say about me but nevertheless, the fly in the ointment is I cannot be friendship material to anyone or anything that breathes. I am too darn stiff, too darn up-tight and generally , not knowing how to have and give others a good time . Switching off in the “now” moment is negative baggage to lug around if you ever wanted to move up in life: a crime to which I stand guilty as accused. Increasingly, I feel I may have missed out on certain of life’s rules of engagement by attending the wrong kind of school - a convent and growing up in the wrong kind of environment ( a West Bank of sorts, with aggression and bullying thrown in as wallpaper music ) or as is more likely the case, it may all be simply down to what makes me, moi! Why blame it on something or someone else when I know all too well my own actions and behavioral choices have in some sense sculpted the render of my life, as I’ve come to know it today?!

Since I was a kid in middle school the one constant companion to me has been Fear. My Fear of Loss and of Inheritance of Responsibility is incomparable to other fears and phobias I may have in my catalogue of Fears. Fear of inheritance of responsibility has been a constant companion to me all my life and try as I might to wean myself off it, it keeps getting macro-er & macro-er as I grow older. My pre-occupation with the Fear of Loss is so daunting that thinking about it scares the living day lights out of me. In some sense, all of our gremlins are inter-woven and therefore, I am seeking to see the light with this entry. But so far I haven’t been able to crack them in order to get on with living a life less fearful and therefore, much less stressful.

I have another weakness : that of presumptuousness. I make presumptions every time all the time– and mostly incorrect about people and situations I don’t particularly know enough about only to find out later on, what a jack-ass it has made me seem. On a lighter note, for as long as I can remember I have presumed “heresy” and “hearsay” to mean the same thing and have often used both words inter-changeably( with disastrous effect, I might add) 

Forever afraid to be construed “ a religious type” (and I know I will find plentiful company here) I go to great lengths to keeping this tightly under wraps. I find it ludicrous that for a man to be seen as religious, should be regarded a sign of weakness in my culture, while talking someone down is not and is even celebrated as a positive trait of forthrightness. Nevertheless, I toe the line by repressing this urge to proudly show off my religious tricolore.

At the risk of blowing my own trumpet (which I know I often do obtusely) many have remarked on my impeccable diction. If only they knew what a struggle I find it is for facility of thought to be embalmed in that diction! They say I could be a posh voice over or a voice coach of some sort. With a little help on the clarity of thought aspect, and with a little help from my dear friend HB, I could someday even commentate for English county cricket.


On balance, I have married into pacifist behaviour ( without drawing up any prenup) which may hold me in good stead, if I were to contemplate a monastic existence in the Tibet. But working for a Jewish business house, in and out of Antartica ,these attributes and more like them all seem such a burden that need jettisoning sooner rather than later.
But how ??

My reticence to think out loud in public forums means that what I am thinking or feeling passionately about; my inner conflicts and arguements cannot hold sway with those around me. I put this down, partly to my shyness, and partly to the disconnect I feel between various thought processes going on on the inside and verbalization, or the lack of it – for one thing I am never going to be able to think in English, of that I am certain. Perhaps my love affair with my native that’s getting in the way of my interfacing and seriously engaging with others in English, or maybe it’s just who I am. Which also explains why I feel blogging’s the bestest thing to have happened to people, who like me, suffer dysmorphic personality and language disorders (DPLD) : a signature coinage so no point looking that up on the un-moderated wikepedia.

Agreed, so how do I set things right, once and for all ? A thousand words later, and I still haven’t a clue. Is it too late to resuscitate some Life into my state of zombie-hood and what baby steps if any, need taking for a closure ? Sorry to let you down but I wasn’t insinuating suicide here. Sure, we all have our moments; our brush with existential dilemmas etc., but it does get better for some of us at least, right? As you can tell, I am yet to lose my yen for reality altogether though I cannot claim anterior knowledge of how well I will cope and respond in any given real life event or situation.

On sexuality - I am still trying to making peace with mine. I find it a constant struggle as I am sure a lot of you will also be finding it with the concept of rigid sexuality, ingrained in us somewhere. “If it’s Saturday night I must be homosexual”, isn’t something we are allowed to be open about much less experiment with. With your help and support, I will be able to find my second wind, and soon, failing which I can always break into a lope and escape from reality indulging, in Sufi music, Oprah, online networking and polishing my soft skills without a sense of any real purpose.
Last but not the least , sulking in the past is another of my many peccadillos. If only I could get a move on, and live in the present I’d be as happy now as I was 5 years back when professionally, I used to be quite in vogue. And that I suppose is just how incorrigible I can get. Mind you, I like me for me, for being my inimitable, incorrigible self. Now that’s self- congratulatory behaviour for you! :)